Sir Gareth Southgate says he fears young men are spending too much time gaming, gambling and watching pornography – and they need better role models beyond online influencers.

In a wide-ranging talk for the BBC’s annual Richard Dimbleby Lecture, the ex-England men’s football manager spoke about his own experience of missing a crucial penalty at Euro 96, saying he didn’t let it define him.

“That pain still haunts me today,” he said, “and I guess it always will.”

Referencing his own experiences, he said the UK needed to do more to encourage young people – especially young men – to make the right choices in life and to not fear failure.

Rather than turning to teachers, sports coaches or youth group leaders, Sir Gareth said he feared many young men were searching for direction online. There, he said they were finding a new kind of role model, one that too often did not have their best interests at heart.

“These are callous, manipulative and toxic influencers, whose sole drive is for their own gain,” he said.

“They willingly trick young men into believing that success is measured by money or dominance, that strength means never showing emotion, and that the world, including women, is against them.”

Sir Gareth spoke about missing the crucial penalty in the 1996 Euros semi-final, when England lost to Germany.

“Missing that penalty was undoubtedly a watershed moment that made me stronger, a better man,” Sir Gareth said at the lecture. “It forced me to dig deep, and revealed an inner belief and resilience I never knew existed.”

He contrasted his own miss with Eric Dier’s successful penalty kick against Colombia in 2018, when – with Sir Gareth as manager – England won a World Cup penalty shootout for the first time.

During the intervening 22 years, he said there had been a change in mindset among England players.

“In 1996, I had walked 30 yards to the penalty spot believing I would miss,” he said. “In 2018, Eric had walked 30 yards to the penalty spot believing he would score.”

During Sir Gareth’s career as a defender and midfielder, he played for Crystal Palace, Aston Villa and Middlesbrough and was in the England squad between 1995 and 2004. He took over as manager in 2016 and led the team to the 2018 World Cup semi-final, 2022 World Cup quarter-final and Euro finals in 2020 and 2024.

He stepped down as manager in July, two days after England lost to Spain in the Euros.

Sir Gareth has been credited with revitalising the England team and was knighted in the King’s New Year Honours in December.

He is the latest in a line of academics, business leaders and other notable figures to deliver the Richard Dimbleby Lecture, which has been held most years since 1972 in memory of the broadcaster.

Previous speakers have included King Charles III, when he was the Prince of Wales, tech entrepreneur and philanthropist Bill Gates, and Christine Lagarde, then the managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

Sir Gareth’s talk focused on the importance of belief and resilience for young men, and he cited three things needed to build these: identity, connection and culture.

He referred to a report, released earlier this month by the Centre for Social Justice, which said boys and young men were “in crisis”, with a “staggering” increase in those not in education, employment or training.

“Too many young men are isolated,” Sir Gareth said in his talk. “Too many feel uncomfortable opening up to friends or family. Many don’t have mentors – teachers, coaches, bosses – who understand how best to push them to grow. And so, when they struggle, young men inevitably try to handle whatever situation they find themselves in, alone.”

“Young men end up withdrawing, reluctant to talk or express their emotions,” he added. “They spend more time online searching for direction and are falling into unhealthy alternatives like gaming, gambling and pornography.”

He also said young men don’t get enough opportunities to fail and learn from their mistakes.

“In my opinion, if we make life too easy for young boys now, we will inevitably make life harder when they grow up to be young men,” he said. “Too many young men are at risk of fearing failure, precisely because they’ve had so few opportunities to experience and overcome it. They fail to try, rather than try and fail.”

The ex-footballer also reflected on what his career has taught him about belief and resilience.

“If I’ve learned anything from my life in football, it’s that success is much more than the final score,” he said. “True success is how you respond in the hardest moments.”

The Richard Dimbleby Lecture with Sir Gareth Southgate is broadcast at 10.40pm on BBC One and available on iPlayer now